Q: We’re a happily married couple from Europe, longtime readers, both in our 30s, and both interested in having sex sometimes with other people. Before the pandemic we were invited to a private sex party in a major European capital. It was an age- and face-controlled swingers night with background checks on every participant. It was our first experience and it was eye-opening, wonderful, and very sexy, even though we were too shy to fool around with anyone else. But we promised ourselves we would return and explore further. Then COVID-19 happened and we couldn’t travel. We decided to hook up with other people locally. We had amazing threesomes and foursomes, and it all went ridiculously well, up until the part when we got herpes from another couple. This other couple didn’t know they had it or didn’t bother to disclose. Herpes isn’t as common here as in the U.S., as far as my research went, and it was a huge bummer, but after educating and medicating ourselves, we decided to continue having hookups with others. We tell everyone in advance because we believe it’s the right thing to do. Some cut us off, some don’t care, some admit they also have it, which always leaves us wondering if they would have admitted it without us “coming clean” first.
And while it’s my official position that you should disclose—because, like you, I think disclosing is the right thing to do—my unofficial position is that anyone who has sex with 50 strangers in a European capital, be it major or minor, has volunteered for herpes.
**A person doesn’t have to be conventionally attractive to attract sex partners—and a person can be conventionally attractive in every sense and repel more people than they attract. v
