Q: I’ve been in a relationship with a wonderful guy for the past year. The only problem is that he works with a girl he used to fuck. It wasn’t just sex—they would go on dates and even went on vacation together. He kept this little “detail” to himself for six full months before giving himself away by mistake. He then apologized, said he hadn’t told me so that I wouldn’t worry for no reason, and that he no longer has any feelings for her whatsoever. Disclaimer: I’m an extremely jealous person with huge trust issues, so knowing he kept all this from me is devastating. I no longer trust him. Just thinking that he’s seeing—on a daily basis—a woman he used to sleep with is driving me nuts! I repeatedly asked him to let me meet her in person, at the very least, but it didn’t happen. So one night, after giving him a heads-up, I showed up at their workplace. He had said it would be ok for me to stop by sometime but once I got there he freaked out. He accused me of not trusting him! My question: Am I being crazy and overreacting—I’ll admit I’ve been agonizing nonstop about this—or is he acting like an asshole with something to hide? I’ve been struggling to curb my anxiety about this, and I’ve even had a few panic attacks he’s not aware of. Him changing jobs is out of the question. —I’m Terrified About Losing It And Nuking Everything
The only thing more exhausting than being with an EJP is dealing with an EJP who resents you for hiding something from them—something like working with an ex—that would set them off for days or months. I get it, I get it: he kept this from you. But if the last six months (!) are proof of anything, ITALIANE, they’re proof your boyfriend was right to keep this from you. Since changing jobs wasn’t an option and since he can’t jump in a time machine and go unfuck this woman, what other option did he have? Given a choice between telling you and spending the next six months dealing with your bullshit or keeping his mouth shut and hoping you never found out, he quite understandably chose the path of least bullshit.
To be perfectly frank, SHDDS, I’m concerned about your relationship. If you feel so awful about your sexual desires and sexual history that you’re incapable of enjoying sex anymore—if you can’t even masturbate anymore—and those awful feelings entered your life at roughly the same time your partner did . . . maybe your partner is part of the problem. If you were evolving in a different direction with her sexually, if you were moving away from power games—which can be very loving—and toward something else, I wouldn’t see a problem. But you aren’t opening up to something new in this relationship, SHDDS, you’re shutting down. Even if your partner hasn’t said or done anything to make you feel ashamed of your sexual desires or history, SHDDS, I’m not sure she’s right for you. And I don’t think it would be right of you to let someone you don’t desire move across the country to be with you.
