I’ve got a plan to make things better in America and it’s a good plan, a healing plan. Please don’t think of it as some sort of modest proposal, because I’m not feeling modest about it at all. There are lots of smart people in Chicago but nobody else came up with this one. Just me.
To ask the question was to answer it. Simply by coming up on us in the dark he’d made me squirm a little. Certainly I’d have viewed his approach with even less indifference if I’d seen that he was packing. As my friends chattered away about the Steppenwolf play we’d just come from, I worked out a way to heal a divided nation. The government could save billions of dollars and delight conservatives by abolishing its antipoverty programs. To lift millions of indigent Americans out of poverty and delight progressives, all it had to do was issue guns to everyone—ideally, semiautomatic weapons—and pass universal open-carry laws.
