Q: A male friend—not my best friend but a close one—told me his wife was really attracted to me and asked if I was attracted to her. His wife is an incredibly hot woman and I thought it was a trick question. I read your column and listen to the Savage Lovecast, Dan, so I know there are guys out there who want other men to sleep with their wives, of course, but I didn’t want to risk offending this friend by saying “FUCK YEAH” too quickly. After he convinced me it wasn’t a trick, I told him that of course I wanted to have sex with his wife. She’s incredibly beautiful and a really great person. I told him that I was not the least bit bisexual and not into MMF threesomes and he told me he wouldn’t even be there. He just wanted to hear all the details later—and hear them from me, not her.
This is a consent question. If your friend consents to his wife having sex with other men on the condition that he hears about it afterwards—and hears about it from those other men—that condition has to be met for the sex she’s having with other men to be consensual. And while the calls afterwards aren’t a turn-on for his wife, DACUCK, if those calls make it possible for her to sleep with other men and she enjoys doing that, well then, the calls actually are doing something for her too. You’re not obligated to have these conversations with your friend if they make you uncomfortable—because of course you’re not—but if you were to refuse, DACUCK, then your friend might withdraw his consent for you to fuck his wife. Your friend and his wife might be willing to revise these conditions just for you, DACUCK, so it couldn’t hurt to ask. But if he says no you don’t get to fuck his wife anymore. Or if he says no and his wife keeps fucking you, well then, she’d be cheating on him for real and not “cheating” on him for fun.
Now for the nonobvious answer, BANAL: You need to listen to what your boyfriend is telling you. Monogamy is difficult for everyone, not just your boyfriend, but some people find it more difficult than others. And asking someone who finds monogamy extremely difficult to make a monogamous commitment . . . yeah, that’s not a great plan. This isn’t entirely on you; someone whose libido tanks when they’re in a monogamous relationship and/or someone who’s way more interested in sex when they’re free to sleep around shouldn’t be making monogamous commitments. Or not making them yet. Monogamy might not be right for your boyfriend at the moment, BANAL, but that doesn’t mean it won’t be right for him ever. Just like sex you have to schedule might not be right for you now, while in your mid-20s, but that doesn’t mean scheduled/routine/maintenance sex won’t be right for you ever. v
