Q: I’m a straight man who’s been dating a woman for not quite four months. In the beginning things were light. But things started to get heavy quickly. Two weeks in she revealed her very serious abandonment issues and then began asking me whether I really loved her and demanding reassurance that I wasn’t going anywhere and she wouldn’t be “just a single chapter” in my life. After a month, I met her seven-year-old son, her parents, and her ex. Then we had a pregnancy scare. She told me that if she was pregnant she would keep it because then I would have to stay. That alarmed me. I voiced that we’d been dating for a very short time and this wasn’t a good time for either of us to have a child. She wasn’t pregnant, luckily. Even before this incident, my body had started to manifest signs of anxiety—upset stomach, sleepless nights, loss of appetite, etc. So, I summoned all of my courage (conversations like this are extremely difficult for me) and told her that I couldn’t do this anymore. She started to cry and begged me to give her a second chance. I wound up spending the rest of the weekend at her place and agreed to stay in the relationship. But I didn’t feel good about it. When I finally got back to my place, I felt anxious, confused, hollow, and hopeless. I tried to end things again after speaking to my therapist, but she won’t take no for an answer and constantly brings up the promises I made about really loving her. I hate this and I feel terrible for her son. Any thoughts on how to dismantle this thing? Or do I just need to run? —Passionate Reassurances Extracted So Soon Undoes Relationship Exit
Learn the lessons, PRESSURE: When someone you’ve only recently started dating says, “Will you love me forever?,” the correct answer is never, “Of course I will!” The correct answer is always, “I think you’re a wonderful person and I want to keep seeing you, but we can’t know—at this stage—what the future will bring.” If they respond by saying, “You know what? You’re right,” keep seeing them. If they respond by melting down and bringing up their abandonment issues, well, they’ve just demonstrated that they aren’t someone you would want a future with.
She may also have different ideas about what being Facebook official means. Does that mean you’re monogamous? If it does, does she define monogamy the same way you do? Some other questions: Was going Facebook official your idea or her idea? Did you ask for a premature commitment? You’re only eight months in—is it possible you involved your kids too soon?
