QMy 15-year-old son has been watching sadistic porn—and ONLY sadistic porn—for a couple of years. He also tells us (husband and me) that, though he’s not had sex (which he defines as penetration), he’s had oral sex, hand jobs, etc, and that he didn’t “flash on” violent images at those times. But he says he thinks about this type of porn all the time—all day, every day—and fantasizes about doing sadistic things to the girls he dates. This all came out as we started having conversations about respect and dating! I proceeded to freak the hell out (though not around him). As the mom and as a woman, I’m upset. I want information, but it makes me sick to read about sexual violence. Particularly when I know there’s an unwilling partner involved, as my son hints he prefers—gang rapes are an example. Though we try to be open and talk about relationships, sex, real-world stuff, this caught me completely off guard. My husband doesn’t believe there’s much reason to worry (yet?), because to us, his friends and family and girlfriends (as far as I know), he’s a very different type of person. He’s involved in school sports and his grades are good. He has friends. There have been zero instances of violence from day care into high school. He has an extremely close relationship with his older brother. There’s nothing I’ve seen that would have made me believe he was even capable of thinking about this stuff. I don’t know if this is a huge red flag or if I’m making this a bigger deal than I should. I’m just terrified he’s going to harm someone. I’m also shamefully awkward around him now. I hate that my view of him has changed. Are there signs—more signs—that I need to watch for? Is he already a danger to himself or others? Where did we drop the ball? —Parent Absolutely Needs Information Concerning Kid’s Erotic Development
What do we know about people who develop into psychopathic sex killers—or some other sort of sex offender—and what should you watch for?
“Healthy members of BDSM/kink communities are essentially the opposite of psychopaths,” said Dr. Cantor. “Although they are sexually aroused by violent (or violent-looking) images, they are very highly attuned to the feelings of their partners and very much want to take extreme care never to hurt them. Their arousal includes the idea that what they’re doing is providing pleasure, even though it might not look pleasurable to vanilla folks.”
“So it’s entirely possible to be a happy, well-adjusted, loving person who’s also a sadist,” said Matisse. “The lesson PANICKED needs to teach her son is that whether it’s a tender kiss or a smack on the ass, he must have his partner’s meaningful consent. If whatever he does springs from that, he’ll be an ethical and responsible man.”
