Q: My wife and I have been married for 14 years and in a committed (I assumed) relationship for 17 years. Sex between us (often kinky) has always been great. We have a wonderful life together and two perfect children. I thought we were good; turns out things were too good to be true. I learned recently that my wife has been unfaithful to me throughout our marriage. She began an affair with an older man soon before we were married, and they were physically intimate for five years, including bondage and a master/sub relationship. The physical sex stopped, but phone sex and online flirting continued up until I discovered this two weeks ago. This is a man I know. There’s more: She slept with another man (just once, more bondage) but also flirted with him online and met up with him while I was away. She slept with yet another man she works with (just once, vanilla this time). She had phone sex with at least two other men and flirted with still more on Facebook. This came out because I was jealous about something that now seems minor and checked her e-mail. (Not proud of that.) She is repentant and relieved that I finally know, and she promises that she will be faithful from now on. I’ll always love her, and I know she loves me. We had one session with a counselor and another is scheduled. Results were mixed. One thing that came out was that she has never been faithful to a romantic/sexual partner. I could forgive a onetime drunken fling, but this is a consistent pattern of infidelity that runs from the beginning of our marriage, and I had no idea. I cannot process it. I thought she had always been as loyal as I’ve been, which is to say completely. I can’t put my wedding ring on—it feels like a lie. I have no one to talk to. For the sake of our future, the love we still share, and our children, we are committed to fixing things, but we’re not sure how. —Heartbroken and Devastated
A long-term relationship is a myth two people create together. It’s not chemistry, it’s not math, it’s not engineering. It’s a story, HAD, a story we tell each other, a story we tell others, and a story we tell ourselves.
Finally, HAD, a little bonus advice. I ran into Esther Perel, author of Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence, the day your letter arrived. Perel is a psychotherapist and couples counselor whose most recent TED Talk, “Rethinking Infidelity,” is one you’re going to want to watch. I shared your letter with Perel and asked her what she thought: Based on her vast experience working with couples confronting infidelity, did she think your marriage was doomed?
You liked him, you had a nice time, the sex was good—and you left, stupidly, without his number for fear of looking clingy or uncool. Social media has come with costs—trolls, bullying, Donald Trump’s Twitter feed—but the ability to locate someone and ask for a do-over/screw-over is one of the benefits. So look him up on Facebook or Instagram and send him a note. If you don’t hear back, consider yourself swiped left and move on. v
