QWhen I was 15, I had a three-month-long sexual relationship with a 32-year-old woman. She was a friend of the family, and my parents were going through a divorce. I stayed with her for the summer, and she initiated a sexual relationship. Looking back, I can see that she had been grooming me. We used to have conversations online and via e-mail that were very inappropriate considering our age difference. The relationship ended when I went home, but she remained flirty. As a 15-year-old, I had a hard time sorting out my feelings for her, but we remained in contact. Now we speak sporadically, and it’s usually just small talk. Soon after, I met a girl my own age and we started dating. Twenty years later, we are happily married and have two wonderful children. Our sex life is active and fulfilling. The only problem is my wife is very proud of the fact that we were each other’s “first and only” sex partners. When we first slept together at 16, I couldn’t admit that she wasn’t my first, and I didn’t want to get the older woman in trouble. I don’t want to hurt my wife by revealing the truth. Can I keep this secret to myself? —This Revelation Undermines Total Harmony
Unless you need to unburden yourself to the wife for your own sanity, TRUTH, or you think there’s a chance she could discover the truth on her own, don’t let one marital ideal—you should be able to tell each other everything—obscure an equally important if less obviously virtuous marital ideal: you don’t have to tell each other everything. Protecting your spouse from the truth, allowing your spouse to have his or her illusions, is often the more loving choice. While there are deceptions that aren’t OK—crushing student-loan debt, a second family hidden in another city, you are really Dinesh D’Souza—some deceptions are harmless. Allowing your wife to continue to believe that she was your “first and only” falls squarely into the harmless camp.
QI’m a 30-year-old straight guy, married to a 38-year-old woman. When we were dating, we had an amazing sex life, but over the last eight years, we’ve averaged once or twice a year. I don’t pressure her or make her feel bad, I tell her how attracted to her I am, I’ve asked about her interests and her pleasure, etc, but all I ever get in return is “I’m overweight, I’m depressed, I don’t know why my sex drive is low.” She’s seen doctors but ignores their advice, and tells me she feels bad for me but there’s nothing she can do. We haven’t had sex for more than a year. I’m a good-looking guy who spent most of his 20s in a sexless marriage. The usual advice is to do more of the housework and take care of the kid, but I do most of that already while working full-time. I’m at my wit’s end. I feel depressed, angry, and beyond frustrated. I don’t know how to deal with this. —Boy Lacks Ultimate Erotic Balance as Life Lacks Sex
