Q: When I started dating my husband, he told me he had a low libido. I said I could deal with that. We waited several months before having sex, and then after we started, it was infrequent and impersonal. There was some slow improvement over the three years we dated. Then we got married, and suddenly he had no libido at all. He blamed health problems and assured me he was trying to address them. Despite his being diagnosed and successfully treated for multiple physical and mental health issues over time, things only got worse. After four years of marriage, the relationship has become strictly platonic. I can’t even start a conversation about intimacy without him getting irritated. After we married, he also decided he no longer wanted children, and I eventually convinced myself it was probably for the best, given his health. We built our dream home, adopted a pet, and built an outwardly successful life together. I was, if not happy, at least complacent. Until I ran into an ex-boyfriend at a party. We split many years ago on good terms. We ended up talking about how important it is to him to have a biological child—something we talked about a lot when we were dating—and we got physically close, and that got me thinking about how much I missed sex with him. Ever since, I’ve been thinking about him. I think he was hinting that he wants me back, and right now that sounds like the answer to all my problems. But if not, I don’t want to leave my hubby and lose the decent life we built together. Plus, my leaving would hurt my husband’s feelings, his health, and his finances. I also worry that people would blame me because it will look like I left because things were tough. Can I follow up and clarify with my ex before I break it off with my husband, or is that too much like cheating? Is it selfish of me to even consider leaving at this point? I’m a 30-year-old woman, so I don’t have a lot of time left to decide about children. —Indecisively Married Dame on Nearing Exit
And while that convo could be regarded as a step toward cheating, it isn’t cheating. You married someone who unilaterally changed the terms and conditions of your marriage—no sex, no kids—and you have an absolute right to think through your options. And a husband who won’t even discuss intimacy with you can’t ask you to refrain from contemplating or even discussing intimacy with one of those options.
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